Three Unexpected (But Normal) Thoughts Leaders Have After an Employee Dies

My husband and I were living in Vegas. We had just had our second child. A fender bender months earlier caused him to pass out when he vomited, which we discovered one night after having pizza. As he jumped up to run to the bathroom, something made me follow him. (I have a tough time with vomit!) I arrived to catch my kneeling 6'6" husband as he fell over and fainted, getting tomato-drenched vomit on the carpet that was just outside where the toilet was.

My first thought? "Damn it! Now I'll have to replace the carpet to sell the house." (In my head, he had just died.)  

After he didn't die, when we found out he suffered from Vasovagal syncope, I felt shame about my carpet thoughts rushing in.  

"What kind of wife," I asked myself, "would be annoyed about replacing a carpet to sell the house as her husband almost died right in front of her?"  

It was not what we (collective society) think a person should think in times of death, and that turns out to be wrong! Because disconnected and “sensible”  concerns after a person dies are pretty common.  

But what if you didn't know this? What if you're a leader and your employee just died, and your first thought is, "Damn it! This is going to put our project even further behind?"

The unexpected death of an employee is a devastating event. As a leader, you're expected to be the rock, offering support and guidance to your remaining team.

But what happens when your emotional response is not what you "think" it should be?  

Here's the truth: Sometimes, leaders (and people) experience thoughts that feel jarring or shameful after death, making them feel like bad humans!  

Good news!! You're not. You're a human human!  

Here are three surprising common reactions a leader may have after an employee has died:

1. Relief (The Unspoken Feeling):

You might feel a strange sense of relief after an employee's death, which can be pretty guilt-inducing. The pressure of leadership is immense. Leaders are responsible for deadlines, budgets, and the well-being of their team, and if the deceased employee was not meeting your standards, was creating bottlenecks, or was causing strife within the team, it is common to feel relief from their death. You don't have to worry about how to lead them to better work or guide your team through the turmoil. It is a relief!  

What is super unhelpful for any leader is carrying the guilt from the supposed bad thought. That guilt will leak out of you and can sabotage your role as a leader.  

2. Project Before Person (The Priority Shift):

"Darn it!! What about the …….." Thinking about how their death affects you or a substantial project you're working on is by far the most common response! In the immediate aftermath, your focus shifting to practicalities is normal. How will ongoing projects be affected? Who will cover the deceased's responsibilities? This doesn't mean you don't care about the loss; it simply reflects a panic state as you face a big unknown. And as I stated above, it will not be your only thought or feeling.  

3. The Emotional Disconnect (The Uncomfortable Distance):

This is the most guilt-inducing one. But let's be honest, we don't always like every team member, and we don't have close relationships with them all either. The level of grief one feels is based on how developed one's map of the person is. According to Mary Francis O'Connor's work on grief, we map people in our brains in three dimensions: 

• Space—where they are or where we know they will be.

• Time—how long it would take us to get to them.  

• Closeness—how many little memories we have made of them in our minds, how much we like them, how much time we have spent with them. 

If closeness is not a big part of your experience with the deceased employee, then your grief will not be as deep as other team members who do have a closer relationship.  

Also, your lack of reaction could be numbness or even delay. This doesn't diminish their life's value or their death's impact on others. However, no matter how you feel (or don't feel), the death of an employee will require you to be empathetic for a while.  

Remember, these unexpected thoughts are completely normal. They don't reflect poorly on you as a leader. Your first thought about your employee's death will not be your only thought about their death. If you're an average human being, you will feel ALOT of emotions: sadness, despair, empathy, fear, anxiety, confusion, gratitude, and many more!   

So, how do you get through this rollercoaster of balancing work and empathy plus your emotions? One of the best ways is to talk with an executive coach who has experience working with grieving teams and leaders. Click here to explore more. 

No matter what you do, give yourself time to process your emotions, and don't hesitate to seek support from colleagues or coaches.