Don’t Ghost Your Colleague Who Just Got Laid Off

That’s what layoffs feel like—cold, numbing and isolating.

Amazon just announced 14,000 layoffs.

UPS 48,000 this year.

Intel has been "restructuring" for over a year. 

Accenture just added 50,000 to that number. 

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When someone loses their job, as a colleague or friend, we often rush to fix it. We send job postings. We say, *"Everything happens for a reason."* We talk about "silver linings" or "opportunity for growth."

And we need to stop doing that. 

As an HR professional who has done her fair share of layoffs, it's often still my first instinct as well.

As an expert in grief in the workplace, I know better.

Here is what you need to know if you want to support someone who has been laid off:

Being laid off is a loss, and with loss comes grief.

It's not just about the paycheck disappearing. It's about identity, stability, community, and routine, all yanked away in one 30-second conversation.  

And you can make their experience worse, by accident, if you rush in to make them feel better.  

What you say and do does matter, like it does in any grief situation.  

Here are 10 ways you can help someone navigate the weird, messy grief that comes after a layoff.

1. Don't disappear

Unemployment is not contagious! But it can feel that way when you don't know what to say or do.  Disappearing is the single most hurtful thing you can do.   

Disappearing occurs under the guise of "I don't know what to say." Which really means, "I'm really uncomfortable."  Discomfort is part of life. Learn to walk through it, not around it. 

Your friend doesn't need perfect words or advice. (In many cases, it's better that you don't offer any advice at all in the beginning.)  What they need is connection. 

So what do you say? Try this:

"I don't know what to say. Want to grab coffee or hang out on Zoom for a bit?"

Being authentic is the key. Their job loss is not yours to fix. Every time you connect with them, you're reminding them they still belong.

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2. Ditch the toxic positivity, please, please, please!  

If you've ever been told "everything happens for a reason" while in crisis, you know how fast that shuts down a conversation. Saying statements like that is like saying it's only a flesh wound when their arm has been cut off. (Monty Python's Holly Grail, anyone?)

Here are a few things NOT to say:

"You'll find something better soon!"

"At least now you have time to rest."

"This is the universe's way of redirecting you."

And here are a few things you CAN say instead:

"This sucks. I'm so sorry you're going through it."

"You worked so hard for that job—this must feel awful."

"If you want to vent or just sit in silence, I've got you."

Validation first. Encouragement later. They can't hear you, your ideas, or your encouragement until you've acknowledged how hard this is.

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3. Offer specific help

"Let me know if you need anything" sounds generous, but it's like handing someone an empty box they have to fill and return to you, hoping you're willing to do it. Grieving brains don't have that kind of energy.

Be specific.

"Can I drop off dinner on Tuesday?"

"Want me to review your resume this weekend?"

"I saw a job opening that sounds perfect—want me to send it?"

If you have resources that could help, especially financial ones, then share them. But ask first! They may not be ready for weeks after the layoff.  

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4. Remember: it's grief

We usually reserve "grief" for death. But layoffs carry the same emotional DNA - loss of identity, routine, purpose, plus confusion, fear, even shame. When someone says, "I lost my job," they are saying, "I lost normal."

This means your support needs to look like grief support, not career coaching support.

How do you do that? 

Ask open-ended questions like:

"What's been the hardest part of this week?"

"What do you miss most about your old team?"

"Is there anything you wish people understood about being laid off?"

You may be fearful that asking these questions may make them feel bad. But they ALREADY feel back. You're giving them the space to reflect and walk through those feelings.

After you ask, then really listen without fixing, rescuing, or jumping in with your own stories. Silence can feel awkward, but it's one of the most powerful gifts you can give to a griever. 

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5. Keep showing up

Support after a layoff (or after a death) often looks like a burst of "checking in" followed by... crickets. Three weeks later, it can feel like everyone's moved on. But your friend is still grieving.  Showing up weeks later can be more powerful than showing up immediately after the life-changing event.  

Grief doesn't follow a timeline.

How can you follow up?  

Text them on random Tuesdays when everyone else forgets.

Invite them to things even if they might say no -- inclusion matters.

And if you're a former colleague, a short message like, "Hey, just wanted to say I miss you in the team chat. You made things better around here' goes a long way.

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6. Keep your comparisons and assumptions to yourself

Please, for the love of empathy, don't say:

"Oh, my cousin's best friend's uncle got laid off last year, and now she makes twice as much!"

Comparing = disparaging. Each person's layoff story is different so comparing isn't helpful at all. 

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7. Don't make it about you

When I coach new managers on how to do a layoff, I tell them DO NOT, under ANY circumstance, say, "This is hard for me."  Just typing it makes my skin crawl. 

Layoffs can bring up your own insecurities: "What if I'm next?" It's okay to have feelings about their layoff. Just don't dump them on the person who just got the pink slip.

Remember, their pain isn't your fault or yours to fix, but your empathy can make a real difference.

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8. Help them rebuild connection and confidence

Isolation after a layoff is dangerous, especially combined with the loneliness pandemic we are facing. You can be part of an antidote.

Invite them to networking events, walks, dinner, group chats, etc. 

Compliment who they are, "You've always been the person who keeps everyone laughing." Remind them they're still valuable even without a title.

You can't erase the loss. But you can remind them they're more than their job. We all need that kind of reminder!

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9. Humor helps

Yes, layoffs are serious. But humor helps us breathe again. If you know the person well enough, don't be afraid to laugh together. Send a meme, share a joke, or a funny story.  

Just make sure your humor is kind and not at the expense of someone else.  

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10. Be patient 

Finding a new job can take time and so does rebuilding confidence. They may not be themselves for a while. That's okay.

Your support — checking in, offering a meal, sending a resource or funny card — can be the thing that carries them through.

And it is what helps someone remember that even without a job, they still matter.

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Want to help someone through layoffs?

Check out my book 100 Acts of Love: A Girlfriend's Guide to Loving Your Friend Through Cancer or Loss. It's filled with specific, real-world ways to show up for people in crisis, without the embarrassment of saying the wrong thing.

What you say and do matters because you matter!

PS. I wrote this while recovering from foot surgery getting ready to ask for more help.